


I'll try not to destroy you

by Trash



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, ftm character, transman!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 06:33:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12248907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash/pseuds/Trash
Summary: Dan love-hates being in a band. Dan love-hates Kyle.





	I'll try not to destroy you

**Author's Note:**

> Writer is a trans man, so this is a pure projection of my own dysphoria and feelings and not necessarily a reflection of anybody else's.

Dan love-hates touring. 

Loves it. Loves being absorbed in something so much bigger than him, so all encompassing that he is bombarded by it constantly. Press, rehearsal, press, meetings, performance, travel, rinse, repeat. 

Loves being with the band, the friends he never thought he'd have when it was just him and his keyboard whilst Ralph soared up and on to bigger things. 

Hates it. Hates the strain, the stresses, the exhaustion. The surprising sources of gender dysphoria waiting to pull the carefully arranged rug out from under his feet. 

Hates being with the band - the current source of his dysphoria. 

It's hot as fucking hell and they're stopped at a service station outside of Leeds, and Will has thrown a towel down on the ground to sunbathe, topless. And complain, obviously, because they're British and it's hot and that's just what hot British people do. 

"Fucking hot," Will says, arm across his eyes. 

"Have you got sun tan lotion on?" Kyle asks as he pulls off his own shirt and starts lathering himself in factor thirty. 

"No, mum."

"Jesus. Here, but some on. Have your nipples even seen daylight this year?"

Will catches the bottle and puts it on his chest, just lies it there. And Kyle sighs. 

"You'll be sorry when you get...uh...what's the name of that skin cancer?"

From where he sits in the shade of the bus steps, Dan offers, "Melanoma?"

"Yes! Melanoma!"

"Not something to cheer about, mate."

Will eventually puts the cream on, once he has been thoroughly bullied by Kyle who lies down next to him on his own towel, arms stretched above his head. 

Dan shields his eyes from the sun and is almost knocked sick by the wave of dysphoria that hits him at the sight of them lying there so carelessly. It was just instinct. It's hotter than the seventh circle of hell, take your shirt off. No second thoughts. 

He pinches the front of his shirt and pulls it away from his binder, an unconscious gesture he can't seem to stop doing. He catches himself doing it on stage, in interviews, and it makes him want to rip his own fingers off. 

Surgery had always been on the cards. And it's not that he can't afford to go private, but when would he have the time to recover? When was the last time he was able to take time off? And when was the last time he even wanted to?

"Y'alright, babes?" 

Dan looks up and there's Woody and Charlie, each with an armful of ice creams from the services. Before Dan can say anything, Charlie has thrown a Calypo on Will's chest and Will is screeching, calling Charlie a heathen. And his own self loathing is lost in the laughter. 

***

Dan love-hates Kyle. 

Loves him because it's Kyle and he's pretty sure everybody is hardwired to love him. Loves him because he's always been there for him, ever since that night at a mutual friend's party where Dan had been so drunk and loose that he had no problem approaching tall, handsome strangers and unashamedly begging them to join his band. 

Loves him because he didn't bat an eyelid when Dan came out to him not only as a trans man but as a gay trans man. Loves him for arguing with customs officials over the legality of his hormone injections, loves him for supporting him when he decided to come out publicly. 

Loves him. Too much, probably. 

Hates him because he is straight, but flirts with Dan so intensely it's hard to think of anything but kissing him. 

Like now, sitting backstage and tugging at his vest and going “Baby, rub aloe vera on me.”

And Dan, Dan is so weak. “Fine,” he says, sighing in exasperation as if Kyle has had to twist his arm. Kyle pulls his vest off excitedly and lies down on the sofa, eyes closed, hand clutching the tube of aloe vera gel outstretched.

“Jesus. How long did you lie in the sun?” 

“Uh, too long, apparently.”

Dan squeezes the gel onto the red skin of Kyle’s stomach and chest and rubs in slow, gentle circles. He takes himself off elsewhere, he is rehearsing in his bedroom, he is writing in the basement studio. He’s anywhere but here, gently trailing his fingers over Kyle’s skin.

Then Kyle hisses. “Ow.”

“Sorry, mate. I’m trying to be gentle.”

“Try harder.”

Dan grits his teeth. "If it's so insufferable why not do it yourself?"

Kyle shrugs. 

Dan rubs the gel until it has mostly sunk in, leaving a slight glisten on Kyle's skin, an unearthly green against the red of his sunburn. He looks for too long, staring at the jut of Kyle's hip bones, the hair on his stomach and chest, his collar bone. And then his eyes, which are locked on Dan's. 

"Like what you see?"

Dan blushes, face hot as he looks away and dumps the gel on the side by Kyle's backpack. "Sorry."

Kyle sits up slowly. "Don't be," he says. 

And here they are again, playing this game. "Don't start, Kyle."

"Start what? You're the one who was looking."

"I'm going to find Charlie. Need to check he understands the timing for that harmony part."

Kyle moves quickly, grabbing Dan's wrist before he can sidle out of the room. "Stop it," he says. 

Dan looks up and is surprised at how close they are to one another. Toes touching, Kyle's thumb burning a stigmata hole in Dan's wrist where it presses hotly. 

And then, before he can even pull away, Kyle is kissing him gently, pushing his spare hand into Dan's hair. 

Dan sighs and lets it happen for too long before breaking away, snatching his wrist back. "No, no. You stop it. This isn't fair, Kyle."

"Why not? I thought...I thought we were on the same page?"

"Have you ever been attracted to a man before?"

"Well no, but..." he trails off, twisting his ring round his thumb. 

"But?"

Kyle shrugs. "But you're...you. It's you. So..."

Dan's heart sinks. "Right," he says, bitterly. "I'm me. With all the bits you're used to."

"Oh, come on. That's not what I meant."

"I'm not a woman, Kyle. I'm never going to let you...do the things you'd do to a woman. And if you're only interested in me because I've got tits and a cunt then you're not interested in me for the right reasons."

Kyle looks miserable. "Right," he says. As if that's enough. 

"Right," Dan echoes, dully. "I'll see you later," he says as he walks out. Not letting the tears come until he is down the corridor and out of sight. 

***

"This was always going to end in one of you getting hurt," is all Will says when Dan finds him sitting under a fire escape at the back of the venue, shade bathing.  
Dan drops down beside him, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his head on Will's shoulder. 

"Sorry, baby," he says. "This is properly shit."

"Mmm," Dan agrees. Because what else is there to say? He and Kyle will get over this, they will. They'll go back to being best friends and the band will keep existing and the world will keep on spinning. But it still feels like the end of something. 

"To his credit, Kyle really loves you. He worships the ground you walk on. Did you ask him properly, if he knew what the scores were on the doors, so to speak? Or did you just shout at him about your fanny?"

Dan laughs. "Um. The latter."

"Just because he's never been with a guy before doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you in a gay way," Will says. 

"You're so articulate."

"Bugger off. You know what I mean." Will nudges him. "Let things blow over then talk to him about it. Properly."

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Great. Now. Does that after sun offer extend to anybody outside of Kyle or..."

***

It's a week later when it is brought up again. Kyle sidles up to him after soundcheck and says, "Got a minute?"  
They find an empty room next door to the production office and Kyle closes the door behind them, leaning his weight against it. Dan feels strangely hemmed in. 

"I'm really sorry about the other week," Kyle says, looking at his shoes. "I owe you an explanation."

Dan doesn't say anything. 

"I...fancy you. And not because of your body, necessarily. But let it be known I think you're well fit. Even the bits you hate. But I fancy you because you're amazing. And no, I've never done it with another bloke before. But does that matter? I...I'm pretty sure I would have fallen in love with you if you were born in the right body. This isn't...it's not just a sex thing."

Dan looks at him, unsure of what to say. 

"I want you to be my boyfriend. Or whatever. Feel like we're too grown up for that word. But. Yeah, I want to be your boyfriend. And I've definitely got things to learn, but isn't that true with any relationship? Doesn't everyone have things they like and don't like."

"It's more than that, Kyle."

"I know, babes. I know. You think I don't get it? I can't totally understand the dysphoria thing, but I understand how it fucks you up. So I'd never do anything to deliberately make you feel like that. Because. I love you."

Dan feels like he's had the wind knocked out of me. "Okay."

Kyle blinks. "Okay?"

And Dan laughs. "Yeah. Okay. I want to be your boyfriend, too. If you still want me. I'm...pretty high maintenance."

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes."

So Kyle does.


End file.
